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This is a very silly bad poem that Tobi Hill-Meyer composed for a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Vogon poetry competition. For those who don’t know, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy the poetry of the Vogon people is ‘the third worst in the galaxy.’ The goal of this competition was to create and perform hilariously bad poetry.

The audio of a live performance of this poem, along with the five other Vogon poems, can be found in the second anniversary special episode of the Writing Alchemy Podcast.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

 

How do I love thee?
(The dashes inside some of the words are used to indicate the pronunciations used to force those words that wouldn’t otherwise rhyme to partially rhyme.)

 

How do I love thee?

 

Let me count the ways

One,

Two,

Three,

 

I could never get passed three.

Still, though, I love thee.

I may need some help.

Ahem

 

I love you like fish loves wa–ter.

I love you like philosophy loves being ob–scure.

 

I love you like the plague loves rats.

I love you like a fly loves craps.

I love you like an emo boy loves tight pants.

I love you like Rush Limbaugh loves rants.

 

I love you like a punk loves a rave.

I love you like batman loves his cave.

 

I love you like a small fluffy kitten loves str–ing.

I love you like a sailor loves swear–ing.

 

I love you like Snape loved Lily Potter.

I love you like Freud loves his motter.

 

I love you like Winnie the Pooh loves ho–ney.

I love you like a nerd loves his diction–nary.

 

I love you 14 ways today

I will have to do better tomorrow

 

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