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This is a very silly bad poem that I composed for a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Vogon poetry competition. For those who don’t know, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy the poetry of the Vogon people is ‘the third worst in the galaxy.’ The goal of this competition was to create and perform hilariously bad poetry.

The audio of a live performance of this poem, along with the five other Vogon poems, can be found in the second anniversary special episode of the Writing Alchemy Podcast.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

 

Ode to a Cumulus Cloud

 

Is that a cumuliform cloud I spy?

Wherefore do you come?

Wherefore do you go?

Wherefore your atmospheric suspension of liquid droplets?

 

How much moisture is in the air parcel

that forms your puffy, cotton-wool like appearance?

I can tell from your low cloud base that

the air must be significantly moist.

For you are no cumulus humilis or cumulus mediocris,

Oh, no!

You are a cumulus congestus

with your cauliflower-like vertical development

developing toward a giant cumulonimbus!

 

Has your extreme convection

overcoming a capping inversion?

Your air cooling at the dry adiabatic lapse rate

until it reaches the falling dewpoint.

Will liquid water precipitate onto the land below?

 

Oh, cumulus cloud,

If only I were you

Oh, cumulus cloud,

then you’d be me,

And I’d be a cumuliform cloud

blocking photosynthesis

from the troposphere of the homosphere

where 99% of the water vapor and aerosols

are to be found.

 

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