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This is a very silly bad poem that Tobi Hill-Meyer composed for a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Vogon poetry competition. For those who don’t know, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy the poetry of the Vogon people is ‘the third worst in the galaxy.’ The goal of this competition was to create and perform hilariously bad poetry.

The audio of a live performance of this poem, along with the five other Vogon poems, can be found in the second anniversary special episode of the Writing Alchemy Podcast.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

 

How do I love thee, Part Two

(An important part of the humor of this poem is the terrible delivery Tobi did. Note that this poem touches on a bit of sexism and ableism.)

 

How do I love thee, Part Two

Let me count the ways

My humble words simply aren’t enough

I must quote from other stuff

 

How do I love you

Well let me see

I love you like a lyric loves a melody

(“Wrapped up in your” by Garth Brooks)

 

I love you baby like a flower loves the spring

And I love you baby just like Tina loves to Sing

(“River Deep – Mountain High” by Tina Turner)

 

I love you like a love song, baby

and I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

(“Love you like a love song” by Selema Gomez)

I love you like a ball and chain,

make it alright now,

I love you like a ball and chain,

feels too good.

(“I love you like a ball and chain” by the Eurythmics)

 

Because I saw – you lift your head

Because you knew – I was watching you

Because there was – nothing to be said

Thats why I love – you like I do

(“Why I love you like I do” by Sonny James)

 

Like ten thousand chariot wheels

Ohh, I love you like that

Yes, I love you like that

(“I love you like that” by John Rich)

 

Turn me on and Imma turn him out

You know I love you like cooked food

You know you fucking wit a good dude

(“You” by Lloyd)

 

I love you like I love cash

Now turn around bitch

And shake that ass

(“I love you like I love cash” by Blacklite)

 

Throw the back door open

Let me see your breath

I love you like a madman

(“I love you like a madman” by The Wave Pictures)

 

I love you 25 ways today

I’m doing better and still on my way

But still I will have to do better tomorrow

 

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