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This is a very silly bad poem that I composed for a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Vogon poetry competition. For those who don’t know, in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy the poetry of the Vogon people is ‘the third worst in the galaxy.’ The goal of this competition was to create and perform hilariously bad poetry.

The audio of a live performance of this poem, along with the five other Vogon poems, can be found in the second anniversary special episode of the Writing Alchemy Podcast.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

Clip art of a white quill outlined in black that is on top of a purple splatter of ink. Behind them is a black rectangle with rounded corners (a frame) that both the quill and ink splatter are slightly sticking out of.

 

Stone Version 2

(This poem is designed to be read by two people. The bold text is read by a person doing a melodramatic delivery. The regular text is read by a person doing a calmer, explanatory delivery.)

 

Stone!

I look at the stone

It is round!

 

Round

Adjective: shaped like or approximately like a circle.

Noun: a circular piece of a particular substance.

Verb: pass and go around (something) so as to move on in a changed direction: “the ship rounded the cape and sailed north”

 

But not exactly round

It is more of an oval, really

 

Oval

Adjective,

Having a rounded and slightly elongated outline or shape,

Like that of an egg.

But not exactly oval

It is a bent oval

 

Bent

Past tense and past participle of bend

Altered from an originally straight or even condition

Determined to take a course of action

A tendency, disposition, or inclination

The stiff stalk of various grasses

Sexually deviant

Dishonest, corrupt, or venial

 

Except that an oval is not a three dimensional shape

So it is a sphere!

 

Sphere

  1. In Mathematics, a three-dimensional surface, all points of which are equidistant from a fixed point.
  2. A spherical object or figure.
  3. A celestial body, such as a planet or star.
  4. The sky, appearing as a hemisphere to an observer: the sphere of the heavens.
  5. Any of a series of concentric, transparent, revolving globes that together were once thought to contain the moon, sun, planets, and stars.
  6. The extent of a person’s knowledge, interests, or social position.
  7. An area of power, control, or influence; domain. See Synonyms at field.

 

But not exactly a sphere

It is more of an ellipsoid, really

But not exactly an ellipsoid

It is a bent ellipsoid

 

Ellipsoid

(thought I was going to skip that one didn’t you?)

A geometric surface, symmetrical about the three coordinate axes, whose plane sections are ellipses or circles. Standard equation: x2/a2 + y2/b2 + z2/c2 = 1, where ±a, ±b, ±c are the intercepts on the x-, y-, and z- axes.

A solid having this shape, the earth is an ellipsoid.

 

Perhaps the word I am looking for is stone-shaped

It is a stone-shape stone

 

Stone!

The hard, solid, nonmetallic mineral matter of which rock is made, esp. as a building material.

 

I look at the stone!

  • A. American architect who was an exponent of the International Style. Among his notable designs is the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, C. (1964).
  • B. American feminist and social reformer who organized the first national women’s rights convention, held in Worcester, Massachusetts (1850), and was a founder of the American Woman Suffrage Association (1869).

 

It is

Concreted earthy or mineral matter; rock; such concreted matter of a particular type; an obdurate or unemotional nature;

Completely or utterly to do everything possible

to achieve an end!

 

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